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26 June 2011 at 16:52 - Posted by Anonymous

Juju's tour of learning to Make Benefit Glorious ANC


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Land redistribution through expropriation without compensation. Nationalisation of the mines. Nationalisation of the banks.

Heard it before? Yes, you have.

Remember Julius Malema's study tour last year? Zimbabwe featured prominently. I seem to recall that Venezuela was among the countries visited. But can't recall if he eventually got to China, as planned, or Chile.

I always thought his choice of countries, barring Brazil, spoke volumes of the level of ambition he has for ours. So Juju, who we know was in school when it was in vogue to learn parrot fashion, has chosen as his teachers none other than Robert Gabriel - "We could have taken Ian Smith's head ... in a biblical manner" - Mugabe and Mr Anti-imperialist himself, Hugo "Mad Dog" Chavez.

No wonder the resolutions of the recent ANC Youth League congress resemble nothing more than the wet dream of an adolescent Marxist.

Can anyone recall whether Juju was as vociferous about these policies - which have repeatedly failed the world over - before, like our very own Borat, he embarked on his Worldwide Tour of Learning to Make Benefit Glorious Movement of the ANC?

The feeble-minded often find solace in each other's company. But the problem is this: where two or more fools are gathered, trouble follows. The trouble is multiplied a hundredfold when these fools have their hands on the levers of power.

Malema's not a Mensa candidate, not by any stretch of the imagination. But he is "a clever", as we used to say in my youth. Such persons are operators of note, opportunists de luxe, self-serving, short-sighted, and their insecurity over their shortcomings means they're often very belligerent (or militant, in this case). You see, it didn't take long for Juju to realise early on in his political career that populism works if you would rise in the ranks of the movement. So he went to learn at the feet of the masters, Mugabe and Chavez. Can you see it? The wise ones schooling Juju.

Bob: "First, in a country where there is a large segment of the population whose hopes for a better life have come to naught, it is important to find a scapegoat. In my case, the colonialist white devils - yes, you must demonise them - who stole all the land were a useful patsy."

Chavez: "Secondly, if that country is rich in resources (oil/gold/diamonds/platinum), there's an even better rationale to your argument. Why must my people suffer when there is wealth here? But you still need a patsy, otherwise asking that question may see the people's regard turned towards you. Heaven forbid! In my case, I blamed it all on the American devils."

Bob: "Then, Julius, you must tell them that if you take away the devils' wealth, they can all share in it. Yes, yes, I know. There's not nearly enough to go around, and the real solution is to grow the economy and stop state wastage and corruption, but we're talking about voting chattel here. All you need is to get their votes and stay in power."

Juju: "But what happens when, after we've taken the land, banks, oil and gold and the economy shrinks and more people go hungry because investors flee and the skills that we need also flee, we see that what we have inherited has turned to ash?"

Bob: "By then, it won't matter. You will blame it all on the West, imperialist running dogs within your country, Tony Blair and Bush (Mugabe is of advanced age and may be forgiven for thinking the latter are still leading their countries) and then paint yourself as the only thing standing between your people and them being re-colonised."

Juju: "You mean by China?"

Bob: "No, China is a friend and we respect their right to abuse the human rights of their people, as they do ours. Also, they've helped me out with a bit of cash, harsh economic times and all that."

Enlightened, Juju thought to himself that it really was simple. As Chavez summarised, in his best impersonation of Al Pacino's Tony "Scarface" Montana: "You've got to find the scapegoat first, then you get the votes. Then, Chico, then you get the power."

And Juju was pleased. The Mugabe Method. Now he parrots what he learnt. But there's a major fly in the ointment. This republic is blessed with people of conviction and courage, from the late Andries Tatane to the mourned Kader Asmal. And we have heroic civil servants like Irene Nel and Siviwe Dongwana. Brace yourself.

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